dump

I had a little meltdown two days ago. Well not really a meltdown but a little emotional dumping of stuff. All over my girlfriends. My family and B. Mostly to do with my inability to move. My desire to get up and go has got up and gone. And I just can’t fucking find it. And then lots of other stuff too that I thought I had so dealt with but um clearly not. I am not perfect. I know you know it. And I know it. But I have to be. I know I don’t really. But its what I do.   I’ve been the perfect cancer survivor. The example of how to be. The person friends say, don’t worry look at Lianne, she’s survived. And look I mean really look how well I’ve handled my third recurrence too. Look at me. But actually don’t. Because then you’ll see how less than perfect I am. How scared I am. How I’ve never really known how to be. How being perfect is how I hide the imperfection that is my fear. My truth. And all our realities. Beause we are all imperfect. Which is just beautifully perfect. Anyway. I don’t know how to be perfect at this new phase. And I don’t like this feeling. I don’t like it. Not one bit. I don’t like how I feel. I don’t like how I think. I don’t like how I look. I don’t like feeling so frustrated by it all. I don’t like how its all changed. I don’t like feeling like it was a lie. I don’t like not being a survivor. And yet I always hated that word.  I don’t like it one little bit that its owning me. I don’t know how to be me right now. I don’t like feeling so self pitying and self indulgent. Me me me.  I know how damn lucky I am. And I am so very grateful for it all. And I know its all to be expected, and all in the realm of normal for what is my new normal. Thank fuck for my friends, family and B for allowing me to spew. For loving my imperfections,  because they all know what a fuck up I really am.  We all are. For knowing I’m really not dealing well with this. How I’m struggling knowing what I thought was, never was. How dark it is in my head sometimes. But dumping keeps it real. Sharing lets me see what I think. And gain perspective. And perspective is a beautful thing. And yes I am perfect. Perfectly imperfect. Or imperfectly perfect. Oh fuck who cares, i just want to get up and go.

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One thought on “dump

  1. From facebook
    Melinda Kerr, Colin Templeton and 58 others like this

    Kate Cawood Love you x
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · September 9 at 7:54am
    Lianne Cawood Love you more ♡
    Like · Reply · September 12 at 6:42am

    Megan Clausen 💔 Sometimes good enough is better and kinder than perfect. You’ll get up and go when you can. Try not to rush it sweetheart. Embrace the stillness and the fallowness and give your body the rest it clearly needs after its gruelling winter. So much imperfect, fucked up love to you xxx
    Unlike · Reply · 2 · September 9 at 7:59am
    Lianne Cawood Love you Megs. Fuck man I’m a basket case at the mo. And
    all you say is so right. And I know it. Will now heed it.
    Like · Reply · September 12 at 6:48am

    Tamara Duran Lianne you fill my heart ❤
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · September 9 at 8:31am
    Lianne Cawood ❤
    Like · Reply · September 12 at 6:48am

    Ilona Schreuder Love your perfect imperfections !
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · September 9 at 11:14am
    Lianne Cawood Me too cos that’s me 😷❤
    Like · Reply · September 12 at 6:49am

    Theresa Milne Scattered little pieces of Lianne, slowly being gathered and put back together again. This too shall pass. Relish the quiet moments too ❤
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · September 9 at 1:47pm
    Lianne Cawood Love that T. Love it ❤
    Like · Reply · September 12 at 6:49am

    Craig Freimond Xxx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · September 9 at 2:11pm
    Lianne Cawood xx
    Like · Reply · September 12 at 6:49am

    Leanne Angel Braithwaite I think this might be your best entry yet. Hit a note for me, personally. Especially when you said “dumping lets you see what you think”. Thank you Li. Enjoy the girls weekend. Xxx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · September 9 at 2:30pm
    Lianne Cawood It horrifies me sometimes 😂!!! It was fab, just the escape from reality I needed. Love to you Lee ❤
    Like · Reply · 1 · September 12 at 6:51am

    Nadja O’Keeffe By being imperfect you are SO PERFECT!👊🏼🍾💕😘🌺🌍🎉☀😎 – Moment by moment – breath by breath you are getting through this!👊🏼🍾 The world doesn’t own you – however the world is dam grateful that your are in it, part of it and shining your bright light so the rest of us can see beyond the darkness! I love and salute you!❤👊🏼💕😘🌺🍾 Thank you for being perfectly YOU! 💕💕💕💕😘
    Unlike · Reply · 2 · September 9 at 3:35pm
    Lianne Cawood Love you and love Dr Seuss. And I am perfectly me. ❤
    Like · Reply · 1 · September 12 at 6:53am
    Nadja O’Keeffe Lianne Cawood ❤ ❤ ❤ xxxxxxxx
    Like · Reply · September 12 at 6:55am

    Leigh Thomas Ah man! I luff you sweet❤❤ I 👀 you…still holding tight 😊😘
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · September 9 at 3:42pm
    Lianne Cawood Luff you back more. ❤. Stop it I can't breathe! 😂😘
    Like · Reply · September 12 at 6:54am

    Meredith Wostenholm Thank you for spewing😊 and for being real and for having the amazing ability to put it down in words! You are an awesome, inspiring woman Lianne Cawood❤
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · September 9 at 3:56pm
    Lianne Cawood Thank you for saying that. Sometimes I fear I'm too caught up in me but I guess it is what it is and it ain't always roses!! Love to you ❤
    Like · Reply · 1 · September 12 at 6:55am

    Lara Good What honest words. Feeling your frustration and wish it upon no one. You really are the perfect inspiration for those around you and those you reach out to. Take care xx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · September 9 at 4:05pm
    Lianne Cawood Thank you Lara. The beauty is by dumping it I already feel less so. Thanks for listening. Take care of you too xx
    Like · Reply · 1 · September 12 at 7:01am

    Ahimsamurti Nicole Kretzschmar I want to share with you someone gave to me once. "Fall apart. Let go and fall completely and utterly apart. And we will pick up the pieces and put them back together again better than they were before. But whatever you do; don't hang on. Let it all go." It's so good for you to dump it all. Keep up the momentum and just keep letting it all go. Don't carry any more thoughts, ideas, impressions than you have to. And only the ones that hold you in your highest-self space. Be kind to yourself beautiful you. With all the love of the heart 😘
    Unlike · Reply · 4 · September 9 at 4:41pm
    Lianne Cawood Love this. And I think I have. And am. It's the putting together that's not as easy as I thought it would be. So I'm letting you all help. ❤❤
    Like · Reply · 1 · September 12 at 7:03am

    Shelley Hopkins Nothing better than a good spew 😁xxx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · September 9 at 4:48pm
    Lianne Cawood 😂 of all kinds xxxx
    Like · Reply · 1 · September 12 at 7:03am
    Shelley Hopkins nothing better than a good dump too 🙊💩
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · September 12 at 8:07am
    Lianne Cawood Never has a truer word been spoken 💩😂😷
    Like · Reply · 1 · September 12 at 2:13pm

    Janette Webb Dumping. Doubting. Scared. U are perfect……..Perfectly normal. And sooooo fucking brave. I bow down to ur perfectness xxxx
    Unlike · Reply · 2 · September 9 at 5:08pm
    Lianne Cawood Love ya J. Now get up cos I'm a basket case. But I'm putting one foot in front of the other which we all do everyday. How brave are we all!!! And blessed. 😂❤
    Like · Reply · 1 · September 12 at 7:04am

    Kirsten Kairuz Perfectly imperfect or imperfectly perfect. You are still here, you are still you and you will find your get up and go. Love reading your posts. It's a reminder of how perfectly imperfect we all are. You make it sound beautiful even while it's all so messy. 😘😘 have fun on your weekend away being perfect, imperfect, together and messy all in one.
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · September 9 at 5:23pm
    Lianne Cawood Love love the line 'you make it sound beautiful even when it's all so messy' !!! ❤ Because life is isn't it? So messy yet so beautiful! And thank you, had a beautiful messy weekend just what the mind, although maybe not the body 😉 needed! 😘
    Like · Reply · 1 · September 12 at 7:11am
    Kirsten Kairuz 😘 😁
    Like · Reply · September 12 at 4:14pm

    Shea Albert Long ago and far away Jessie went to join Rob in England. I wrote some notes to her in a little book. I remember these three: You don't have to earn every breath you take. Let it be. I love you. I love you Lianne.
    Unlike · Reply · 2 · September 9 at 5:34pm
    Lianne Cawood Fuck Shea. I love you. You are one wise little Jeff. Or is it Mutt? Thank you for sharing your words with me. ❤
    Like · Reply · September 12 at 7:12am

    Nonina Ferreira U are a special soul Lianne Cawood 💕 😘
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · September 9 at 5:51pm
    Lianne Cawood 😘
    Like · Reply · September 12 at 7:12am

    Sandi Unite Love from us. XXXXXX
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · September 9 at 8:42pm
    Lianne Cawood Love back xxx
    Like · Reply · September 12 at 7:13am

    Lara Killian Fuck, love you Li
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · September 9 at 9:02pm
    Lianne Cawood Fuck, love you all too. Need some messy time together xxxx
    Like · Reply · September 12 at 7:13am

    Janine Daniels I have a word for you angel. Flawsome. That's what we all are. Perfectly flawsome. So much easier to be than perfect. And you … you ARE awesome. ❤❤❤
    Unlike · Reply · 4 · September 10 at 6:38am
    Lianne Cawood Love love that word. And you. Flawsome. Fuck yes. How flawsome are we all!! ❤
    Like · Reply · 1 · September 12 at 7:15am
    Janine Daniels Indeed. We rock with flawsome xx
    Like · Reply · September 12 at 5:40pm

    Josie Fisher Lianne, I'm battling to find words to express the admiration, the compassion and the unfairness I'm feeling about you and the unspeakably hard time you're having, again. So I can only really wish you love, strength and recovery xxx
    Unlike · Reply · 3 · September 10 at 6:39am
    Lianne Cawood Ahhhh Josie, you found the perfect words. It is what it is and we do what we do. All of us everyday to cope with the messiness that is. Mine is no harder was just a bit blindsided because I had handled it all so 'perfectly' 😏But I'm gaining much needed perspective just by sharing with you all so thank you ❤
    Like · Reply · September 12 at 7:19am

    Lynn Loopuyt Barker Love you ♡
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · September 10 at 9:33am
    Lianne Cawood I know. And I know you know. Love you more ♡♡♡
    Like · Reply · 1 · September 12 at 7:20am

    Adrienne Hoberman 💜💜
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · September 12 at 7:11am
    Lianne Cawood 💃🏻❤
    Like · Reply · September 12 at 7:20am

    Lianne Cawood ♡♡♡
    Like · Reply · 1 · September 12 at 7:21am

    Heather McNeice I saw that get up and go cantering up the beach on Friday! It'll be back in spades, you'll see xx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · September 12 at 12:14pm
    Lianne Cawood Words I needed to hear. From Helen after my 'canter' …. 'you have no fear. You just give it a go'. And as she said it I thought, you know she's right. And I've felt heaps better in my head ever since xxxxxxxxx
    Like · Reply · 2 · September 12 at 2:08pm
    Susie Pitts Lianne Cawood we are never too old to be learnees especially when we have no fear. Xxx
    Unlike · Reply · 1 · September 12 at 4:26pm

    Andy Dippenaar People have often asked me what I think it is that makes a great writer. And I've had so many blank stares when I say that great writing is not about writing at all. It's about talking. Just talk to people, so that they listen. And they understand. Talk to them so they see things in a new way. Talk bravely and honestly. Just talk. If you talk from your heart, you'll be a great writer. You're a great writer Lianne:-)
    Unlike · Reply · 11 · September 12 at 6:56pm
    Lianne Cawood Bloody hell Andy you just took my breath away. Thank you for those words they mean so much coming from you. ❤
    Like · Reply · 2 · September 13 at 5:01pm

    Kath Anderson You are a great writer Lianne – there's a book waiting to happen – I can think of a really good title for it too! x x x x
    Like · Reply · 2 · September 13 at 8:00pm

    Jennifer Profrock Loving u from afar!!!
    Like · Reply · September 13 at 8:27pm

    Michelle Gilder I agree with Andy Dippenaar. now write! ❤
    Like · Reply · September 14 at 4:07am

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