mindfuck

There is no magic number. A chemotherapy regimen is recommended based on you, your cancer, its stage, its idionsyncracies. And four combined cycles of taxotere and cyclophosphamide, so eight in total, our learned friends have discovered is optimal in most cases (can I stop proving I’m not most already) to achieve the desired result in cancers like mine. But four is not a magic number. I’m believing for me it’s three. And the irony of my love of all things symmetrical is not lost on me. So, I saw my brilliant insightful oncologist yesterday, and dammit she is brilliant and lovely in her slight emotionless yet very present way. We discussed much and then she sat back and said, right now I want you to just let the dust settle. For two months just let the dust settle. Is it only me who imagines the sparkles in that dust? I’m letting that magic dust settle. My body and my mind and my family were thrust into some fucking mammoth grinder the past four months with no warning, no reprieve and no breathing space. So for two months we breathe and I heal. I can do that because my brilliant insightful oncologist told me to. The reaction I had was a delayed hyper sensitivity to taxotere on a scale she has never seen. The risk of giving me more could result in life threatening internal swelling and long term tissue damage I’m not signing up for. The other option could be to start me on a new chemo regimen, from scratch. But, both my brilliant insighful oncologist and I know that will not be my reality. And she is comfortable with that. And so, so am I. Because my cancer is hormone receptive the past 12 years I have done everything I can to block all estrogen. Fuck has it been 12 years since my first diagnosis. Really? Can you blame me for being bored? But hey, I’m still here. Anyway, despite various meds I have been on to do this, and even very rudely been forced into early menopause, it came back. Or it never left. See, mindfuck. So I’m on a new kick ass adjuvant therapy the goal again, 5 years. 5 years NED. Aromasin, an aromatase inhibitor  used to treat advanced breast cancer in post menopausal woman. Yup, thats me. Excuse me whilst I quietly upchuck, haven’t we been here before? Anyway. I’ve noticed the use of the acronym NED more and more. So, I haven’t been cancer free, duh, the past 8 years, I have just been 8 years NED. No Evidence of Disease. Slow learner, or just my denial coping strategy? So, I get that I live with cancer. And am happy with NED. And remain vigilant. And healthy.  And that there are no absolutes. There are no one hundred percents. There are no guarantees. But there is the beautifully messy thing called life. And I love every last messy bit. And once the magic dust has settled and I am more me and less embroiled in this mindfuck. We will decide the rest. In the meantime, last chemo celebrations are way overdue.

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One thought on “mindfuck

  1. Pingback: bloodypink | grace and dignity

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