pause

I read a fabulous blog today that brought so much stuff flooding back, stuff in my need to plough ahead in my life I avoid thinking about. Not deny ever happened but simply avoid. I’m sure by now I’ve mentioned often my recently acknowledged life strategy to you, that of avoidance?? The blog, her current journey with cancer and emotions associated are so familiar to me. So real. Yet so far away. But today they were right here. I now acknowledge how much time I’ve lost. Or gained. I lived, I was there, I was so very there, but also somewhere else. There was so much I hadn’t signed up for or hadn’t realised I’d signed up for. So much that I lost and gained, that I had to redefine myself in inordinate ways. Redefine probably isn’t the right word, but rediscover. Actually probably not rediscover either, but discover. Discover me. But before I could even take a breath from my last treatment, we relocated to another country. To no-one and nothing. I had to start again without even knowing who I was anymore. I’m starting to understand why I adopted avoidance as a strategy. It was just less painful. It’s four years now to the day (we arrived in Australia on 16 May 2008) and I’m still faltering. Still discovering. But I’ve decided, I’m no longer avoiding. But I’m also not ploughing ahead. I’m just on pause. And actually, that’s ok.

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6 thoughts on “pause

  1. Gotta keep reminding ourselves Li that this moment is all we have. You are doing good!!! Wish I had the courage to do the same. x

    • Not sure it takes courage you, which you have in bucket loads but acceptance of what is … which we think is so easy, but there are so many messed up stories running around in our heads …. mmmmm, monkey mind it’s called, time for some daily meditation methinks … for me, I mean. I’m too attached to my monkey mind. xx

  2. From facebook

    Yvette Puchert, Louise Fletcher and 3 others like this.

    Bryan Cawood Maybe just gently hit the ‘play’ button instead….just stay away from fast forward for a while…
    May 16 at 11:16pm · Like

    Lianne Cawood hahaha … actually angel, you’re right … I’m not on “pause”, not anymore …. I am gently ‘playing’ especially your definition of ‘play’. I am on ‘play’, I pushed that button 4 years ago. So, that didn’t come across as I felt it… maybe because the only way I knew was fast forward so anything less feels like “pause”. But ….gently is a good word … you are so right. So … I am only “gently playing” and that’s ok.’
    May 17 at 4:16pm · Like

    Yvette Puchert Gently playing sounds like the way to be…I think Client Service, being an insecure overachiever (I love that word!) is living your life on fast forward (I naturally speak for and about myself!). Pausing for a breath is excellent because it is in the pauses between the breaths that we actually have our cosmic moments. Love you lots, Breathless in Riebeek.
    May 17 at 5:10pm · like · 1

    Lianne Cawood ‎ Yvette, thank goodness for you … I knew someone would get me!!!! Love you Breathless in Riebeek, from Gently playing in Noosa. xxx

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