Just when I’m sitting back smugly looking at how far I think I have come, and not only geographically, I come down to earth with a bump. What is it with the fact that no matter how much I feel I have achieved, how much wiser I am, it all goes out the window momentarily over something so trivial. This morning I fought with everyone. Jem because I felt she hadn’t told me everything about when some schoolwork was due, Kate because I had to tell her three times to clean her bathroom, and B, because I felt he undermined me while I was so justifiably going off at the girls for such unforgivable acts. The truth is it wasn’t about any of that at all, it was about the fact that I gained 1kg. To put it in context I am consistently 7kg heavier than I was comfortable being previously due to a cocktail of menopause, femara, zoladex and lexapro. And I have made peace with that. And with the fact that all the damn exercise in the world I do, just keeps the creep at bay.  Or so I thought. What a brat I became today. Why does it matter so much. I used to say I was happiest when I was thin and hungry. And I was. And unhealthy. Then I grew up. Yeah. Now I’m neither. But I am happy. And healthy. So, how can 1kg matter so much? How can it derail me like that? And I know, as do we all, that how you feel inside is what matters, that I am healthy, that I am fit, that my current problems are golden, that it’s not about how you look but how you behave. I have so much to be grateful for. Am I really that shallow. Honestly, and I really shouldn’t admit this, given everything, if you want to make my day, tell me I look like I’ve lost weight, don’t tell me how fit or heathy or happy I am looking. But I have moved on a little, because even though I felt grumpy and frustrated this morning, I’m still having heaps of butter and peanut butter on my toast today. Because it makes me happy. And I know deep down, being happy matters more to me than being thin. Deep deep down.

11 thoughts on “thin

    • My pathology goes even deeper … it doesn’t matter even if I haven’t, I just love it if someone thinks I have!! Loved your blog today … dealt and are still dealing with the exact same issues. And with the exact same realisations, my girls and in fact my husband and I, are definitely better off in a myriad of ways. And tomorrow is tomorrow.

  1. Lianne, you could always give up coffee and alcohol… simple. And Alana, what a small world it is we live in. xx

    • Hey you … I could but then again, you know me better than that. Coffee and alcohol, but especially coffee make me much too happy. And I did come to the happy conclusion that I’d rather be happy and fat. I did.

  2. I hear you sista, loud and clear. Put the scale away….stop counting, seriously it aint worth it. Rather think you may have put on than actually seeing the proof. A dancer friend of mine said she once had a dream and in her dream she saw this really big lady who seemed so happy as she was laughing at everything. My friend thought (in her dream) she wished she was more like the older lady. At the end of the dream she asked the lady who she was at which the older lady turned around laughing and said ‘You of course, when you’re older”. I have kept that thought very close to my heart as I would rather be a happier, bigger woman than a sullen, dried out piece of mango. Love you lots! ❤ ❤

    • Heyyyy Y. You and me both. That’s the thing, I know this, and I believe it and I live it. And I am a bigger happier woman. But sheesh, I still love being thin. You know. Love you even more back. Ohh, and I never get on that bloody scale, so when I did today, I was seriously, you’ve got to be fucking kidding. And I didn’t drink (minus one day) for the whole of feb. Bloody hell. You do know I have a twinkle in my eye the whole time, right? xx

  3. If I could lobotomise the part of my brain that connects with body image I would in a heartbeat. But until then I will be shackled to the belief that ‘nothing tastes as good as thin feels’. So I so get the bit about weight on the scales becoming weight around my mood and taking it out on everyone. Especially as I feel like I have already given up everything – I don’t even bite my nails any more : ) In the meantime I’ll just keep going to yoga and keep trying to become more self-actualised and with that welcome ham & cheese croissants back into my life.

    • Thank you for your honesty. I do just love that. Probably also cos makes me feel better for oversharing once again. But am so interested how few people are able to be honest.. I have friends who believe they are way on the path to self actualisation, but are so bent on keeping up appearances they just can’t be honest. I know they feel as I do, but they would never ever admit it. What is with that? Why can’t people share truth? They share all their other pontifications. Oh well, another day, another blog.

  4. Pingback: two hundred and ninety six | grace and dignity

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